Two years ago people looked at the pivoting ectomorphs in their recherché presentations and said, "I'd wear that."

Last year they said, "I'd wear that--but I don't know where."

This year people are saying, "And the point of this event again is ... ?"

Even if the nation weren't broke and retailers, including luxury brands, hadn't had their worst Christmas in four decades, no one dresses up anymore, anyway.

How many women even own a pair of pantyhose, Halloween costumes notwithstanding? Or a slip? (Who remembers slips?) Who is willing to take the baby steps required to wear a pencil skirt and get in and out of the car like Princess Di?

Who Woolites hand-washables anymore or steam irons linen (only to have it wrinkle again two hours later)?

A nation that won't wait five minutes to eat certainly won't spend 10 minutes caring for the clothes that don't fit because it won't wait five minutes to eat.

And speaking of denial, why are Lycra and Spandex added to so many garments today?

Our ancestors called the elastic waistband the "Devil's Playground" for a reason.

Even when they're not 3 percent stretch, clothes on the racks today are beneficiaries of the don't ask-don't tell/your-little-secret-is-safe-with-us system known as size inflation. A system that has turned 120-pound women who used to be size 8s into size zeros in just 25 years. And made torso-forgiving styles like low-risers, baby dolls, tunics and baggy hip-hop looks fashionable.

Even flight attendants, once avatars of style, now lean toward early Bohemian--black tights and sensible shoes.

Of course some say our standards have just gotten thinner. They point to Marilyn Monroe, who allegedly wore a size 14.

But find a size 14 dress from the 1960s when Monroe would have worn it, and just try to slither into it. Without the 1960s girdle, that is.

And while you're at it, look at the army uniforms and three-piece John Travolta suits men wore before Big Macs. Even "sweat hogs" were thin in those days.

The fact is, the average American woman today weighs 20 pounds more than she did when she was out on the disco floor in 1976.

In 1994, she weighed 147 pounds but wanted to weigh 132.

And in 2002, she weighed 153 pounds but wanted to weigh 135.

Researchers at the University of Florida say Americans have actually adjusted their "perceptions of appropriate body weight," so the nation has a collective distorted body image. Even though we are always 15 pounds over our ideal weight, the actual figure keeps going up.

Like taxes.

Martha Rosenberg is a humorist and cartoonist based in Evanston.